On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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