Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
