is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
