Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
