We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
