Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
