Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
