Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
