I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
