he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
