I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
