we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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