You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
