It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
