My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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