then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
