capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
