You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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