Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
