i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
