Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
FUCK WHALES
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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