Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
