Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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