not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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