Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
