He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
