My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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