He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
