I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
