Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Don't make out with my wife yet
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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