I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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