Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
