i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
