I'm eating all of the evidence.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
