her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
