You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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