im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
