I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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