I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
