Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
