its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
