it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
home. puking in laundry basket.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
