Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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