you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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