If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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