Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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