So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
