WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
