just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
do nipples grow back?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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