Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
