After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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