Whod you bang
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
